Mood

With a smile, he said, “Lift your head up.”
I smiled back as I replied, “I’m almost there.”

I assume he thought I meant we were almost at the end of our collective work days and, it being Friday, our work weeks. Once off work, we would be free to enjoy our weekends. But my words were a deflection. He had caught me in an unguarded moment. He saw more than I intended for him to see.

This is the interwebs, and this blog is not anonymous. I’m not going to list the issues that weigh on me. Suffice it to say that if I did, that list, while not long, would be major. Several goings on are hitting all three aspects of what make up a person: mental, physical, spiritual. These issues are targeting me simultaneously.

Someone who knows me well recently asked if I thought I needed prescription antidepressants to help me through. Lovely. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t discount the drugs. However, my experience in the past has been that the side-effects of medications were worse than the depression itself.

It doesn’t help that I’m due for a testosterone shot. I have to remind myself that my mood always winds down into a funk just before a scheduled dose. (I took care of that this morning. It should take effect in a day or two.)

It doesn’t help that the circumstances bothering me seem to be forever open-ended with no resolution. (I know they are not. The reality is I am not in control of the endings, neither the when nor the what in most cases, and that lack of control messes with me.)

It doesn’t help that it’s raining. (The sun will come out tomorrow.)

What. To. Do. ?. Inevitably, I simply must follow my colleague’s advice. I have to lift my head up.

But wait: Did I mention I have a pinched nerve? Yep. I’ve been dealing with that for over a month. When I hold my neck straight and back, it fires off. It runs down my shoulder and continues all the way to my fingers, making my arm and hand go numb. So if my head isn’t all the way up, that’s why. I’ll deal with that nerve as soon as I get some of these other things moved a little further along.

Even so, when “soon” comes it will bring it’s own set of problems. Mood, my mood, is my choice. Despite the numbing, I choose to hold my head UP.