With a smile, he said, “Lift your head up.”
I smiled back as I replied, “I’m almost there.”
I assume he thought I meant we were almost at the end of our collective work days and, it being Friday, our work weeks. Once off work, we would be free to enjoy our weekends. But my words were a deflection. He had caught me in an unguarded moment. He saw more than I intended for him to see.
This is the interwebs, and this blog is not anonymous. I’m not going to list the issues that weigh on me. Suffice it to say that if I did, that list, while not long, would be major. Several goings on are hitting all three aspects of what make up a person: mental, physical, spiritual. These issues are targeting me simultaneously.
Someone who knows me well recently asked if I thought I needed prescription antidepressants to help me through. Lovely. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t discount the drugs. However, my experience in the past has been that the side-effects of medications were worse than the depression itself.
It doesn’t help that I’m due for a testosterone shot. I have to remind myself that my mood always winds down into a funk just before a scheduled dose. (I took care of that this morning. It should take effect in a day or two.)
It doesn’t help that the circumstances bothering me seem to be forever open-ended with no resolution. (I know they are not. The reality is I am not in control of the endings, neither the when nor the what in most cases, and that lack of control messes with me.)
It doesn’t help that it’s raining. (The sun will come out tomorrow.)
What. To. Do. ?. Inevitably, I simply must follow my colleague’s advice. I have to lift my head up.
But wait: Did I mention I have a pinched nerve? Yep. I’ve been dealing with that for over a month. When I hold my neck straight and back, it fires off. It runs down my shoulder and continues all the way to my fingers, making my arm and hand go numb. So if my head isn’t all the way up, that’s why. I’ll deal with that nerve as soon as I get some of these other things moved a little further along.
Even so, when “soon” comes it will bring it’s own set of problems. Mood, my mood, is my choice. Despite the numbing, I choose to hold my head UP.
icanhasgrace 
Dear Heart,
You’ve been suffering for a while now. I’m almost surprised that a pinched nerve is the only physical manifestation, other than the lower GI problem that’s chronic. That’s doubtless worse as well.
Surely you have a confidant, or two or three. It’s hard to share bad stuff, you don’t want to bring down your friends. Remember though how good it makes others feel to hear someone they love say, please help me. I just need to vent.
Women are good at that. They don’t feel compelled to “fix things” as men do. Over the past few years I’ve come to understand that gay men are still men, with many of the same hangups as your cis brethren.
We haven’t been close, I’m like your cheerleader marveling at your talents, trying to take lessons here and there, and silly as it may sound to you I don’t feel worthy. But I sincerely love you. If there is anything I can do to lighten your load I’m as close as the telephone. And I promise I’m just one of many.
Your Emma
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Thank you, love.
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I stop by often hoping to see you post. I was glad to see you did so but sad to read your sorrow.
Good for you to keep the head up.
Please keep us up to date on this.
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Thank you, Spo.
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I “liked”your post because you have the strength to share your vulnerability and the strength to share that it’s your mood and your choice. Often we slip into our choices and they can overwhelm us and seem like they aren’t choices and seem impossible to resolve thus they seem like they aren’t choices. However my dear wise friend you note in your writing that you know the mood is a choice and although it seems hard, it seems overwhelming…you will survive it.
You do has grace my dear and you know that this too shall pass. I’m glad you share your truth, your vulnerability. You are courageous!
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❤️💙💚💛💜
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Your Courage is Extraordinary. Thank You So Very Much for Sharing.
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