How Much Longer Can I Hold My Breath?

How much longer can I hold my breath?
The average human being lasts for no more than forty seconds.
I have been holding mine for months.

 Every time I exhale to complain, Guilt makes me catch my breath
            and I try not to speak.

“There are so many other people who have real reasons for holding their breaths,” Guilt says.
            “Some of them can barely breathe at all.”
I try to keep the air I would use to whine inside me.
But that air escapes.

That air comes out
            around the corners of my eyes
            in the graying of my hair
            in my gut as my stomach rolls
            when I wake up with a jolt in the early morning hours
                        and I cannot fall back to sleep.

If I had more faith, would all of these symptoms go away?
If I had more faith, would I be less preoccupied with my breathing?
If I had more faith, would I breathe freely
            allowing the Spirit to move in and out of my body
            and to bring with it the ebb and flow of peace?

I do not have the faith to breathe.
How much longer can I hold my breath?

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